On the List of Things I Never Thought I'd Say

I find myself unable to trust men.

I think after the Art Director completely screwed with my head and lead me on in the fall - I am completely unable to take anything men say at face value. If a guy says something that should make me happy - I am literally unable to believe them. I assume they are saying it purely to manipulate my head and get into my pants quicker. If they tell me that they are romantic and a gentlemen - I interpret that as overcompensation and that they are full of it. Because who would come out and say that right away? I'm sick of men saying it instead of just showing it.

And after I sleep with someone - which usually happens too quickly - I shut down and can't allow myself to trust them anymore. I mean, all they want is sex, right? And they've gotten it, so.... why are they still calling? They want more sex, obviously. They don't actually care about seeing me.

What makes it worse is that I have very limited patience with men who don't show superfluous interest and aren't upfront about their intentions - which is ridiculous, but it's another fault of mine. A reader recently emailed me and we started talking, which led to him asking me numerous questions. This startled me. I immediately thought it was going to lead to some kind of mental manipulation, which led to me telling him I was done being interrogated - which he insisted was only getting to know me, but of course I can't believe anything he says - and I signed off. Shut down.

My date last night? It was very nice. He was a really sweet guy, and very, very cute but I don't think there was any spark. We want different things in life - he wants a big family, and I'm not even sure I want to get married. Why were these things talked about a first date? Who knows. Maybe that was a problem too. Maybe he was trying to scare me off, but I doubt it.

Basically, any time a guy asks me out, I immediately assume that they only want to sleep with me. That they'll say anything to accomplish that. It's awful, horrible, and disturbing. I'm trying to open my mind and myself up to new experiences, and I think it'll happen eventually (god, I hope), but it just takes work and I'm trying.

So, please, please, please be patient with me.