Wednesday, February 4, 2009

men, honesty, casualties...

"You have a lot of negativity toward men, but you seem to have no problem letting them make all the decisions about your life. That doens't make sense."- Tim

I went on a very impromptu date with a very cute Columbia journalism grad student last night. We went to the Hungarian pastry shop on 111th and Amsterdam. It was nice, but I got weird vibes from him when he didn't text me the usual had-a-great-time text that I usually get. I texted him this morning and said, "I had a nice time last night but I don't want to wonder. Do you want to see me again?" and he texted me back a little while later saying, "Honestly? I don't see it working." I wrote back, "Thanks!" and I meant it. I should do that more often. It felt good to be blunt and get a direct answer.

It made me realize how much I hate dealing with men who aren't mature enough to say what they want, or ask what I want. I don't want a casual relationship - a fuck buddy, in lame mans' terms. I hate conversations that go nowhere. I have no desire to "hang out" with a guy - a lame cover up for a booty call - I'm at a point in my life where I've done enough of that (perhaps too much?) and I'm looking to get to know someone and date them.

My friend Tim, who said the above quote, is very right. I have such a bad outlook on men, ALL men, but yet I let them, basically, control me. It's awful. Well, that's over. Or at least I'll try harder. I'm sick of this rut that I've fallen in to since October... the whole let-men-lead-the-way mindset that I've been in. I feel like I had more luck when I was more assertive (honestly, could I have had less?).

I'll leave you all with this other pearl of wisdom that Tim directed towards me...

" It wouldn't hurt you to take some initiative and make some decisions about these relationships. You're 50-percent of it and you just wait for these moronic guys to decide what's going on..... You should assume more control and not wait for a guy to make a decision that will piss you off. If you recognize it's not working, don't wait for him to become a better person. It likely won't happen. Be more pro-active, instead of letting him dictate what happens in your life."

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