Happy "hump" day.

My friend Angelo and I were discussing this weekend the "slut-and-pervert" complex that men and women battle with. He said the men that are so scared of being labeled a pervert are the ones who never approach a woman, or become socially awkward. Then there's the concept that a woman who likes and wants to have sex - and doesn't necessarily connect it solely with love - is always, always, always going to be labeled a slut. And in my opinion, there's nothing, nothing, nothing we can do about that.

I have fallen into this trap many-a-time (have I ever mentioned that a nick name given to me by my two best friends from college is jewwhore?) and I've even let myself fall, mentally, into this trap. What he [Angelo] wanted me to understand was that it was okay to enjoy sex and want it. I know that. Believe me. And that I'd never get over that fear if I kept feeding into it by labeling myself a whore after being with someone that I actually liked, even if I didn't know every detail of their past (or their middle name).

My father even said once, "You can't say things like that," after I said something sexually explicit, and his friend immediately turned to him and said, "Yeah, with [my brother] you'll be able to encourage that kind of stuff, not daughters though."

I'm generally defensive when it comes to men, but it doesn't take a lot to break down that wall. After that wall comes down, I trust very easily (maybe too easily), though I always assume the worst after I think they've gotten what they wanted. Like with a guy I recently met, I assumed the worst and I think I've offended me because, as it turns out, he does want to see me again. Who'd have thought it?

I have a date tomorrow night, a friend of a friend, and I'm trying incredibly hard not to think that he just wants to sleep with me. We spoke on the phone on Monday night and he was very nice, and we had a nice conversation, and we've been texting since then and he's been flirty - but maybe too flirty? Once again, I'm having a very closed mind. I must try to not already have decided he's a "pervert" before we even meet.

It's funny, I "trust" guys very easily after they break my wall down - but in reality, I don't really trust [their intentions] them at all. And I never seem to be able to get to know them well enough to find out what they [intentions] could be. I think I should go back to dating more than one person at a time again, like I did in the fall. I'm not sure exactly how it will help me trust men more, but when I'm not fixated on only one man, I'm extremely happy [like I was in the fall]. Though can I reiterate that "date" does not me "have sex with"? Right now, I don't really want to sleep with anyone, not to mention multiple people.

Here's to my trying to start a new, better pattern. Wish me luck!