Male/Female English.

The man's guide to female English:

* We need = I want
* It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to
* I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
* You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like
* I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry


Women's guide to male English

* "I’m hungry" = I’m hungry
* "I’m sleepy" = I’m sleepy
* "I’m tired" = I’m tired
* "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
* "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
* "Can I call you sometime?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
* "May I have this dance?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
* "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
* "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I’d like to have sex with you
* "What’s wrong?" = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
* "What’s wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
* "What’s wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
* "I’m bored" = Do you want to have sex?
* "I love you" = Let’s have sex now
* "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
* "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
* "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
* "Let’s talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
* "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
* "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!